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Thread: Jazz Humor

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2009

    Jazz Humor

    My Dear American Friends, this is your friend Prince Ndugood of Nigeria writing to thank you for your many appreciations of my emails and your much kind words. I am overjoyed with gladness to bring you the news that I have been invited to your country for a celebration of jazz and world music at the Obama White House. My village's touring band, Dark Incontinent, will be playing the jazz of music for your new president. The band is also learning the American traditional song "Hell To The Chief" , to play for the president. (I had thought that Mr. Obama was merely your president, but apparently he is a chief as well! What a truly great man!)
    I will be leaving soon for your country. I am still filling out the secret service clearance form for jazz musicians (Q. Are you now or have you ever been a member of an organization the advocated the violent overthrow of diatonic harmony? Q. Have you visited the middle-east or played in the Phrygian mode during the past 12 months. Q. Do you have a license to carry a concealed animal?).
    I hope that you will be able to attend the musical performance. The band will be playing many of the great presidential jazz tunes:

    --This Mass Parade (inauguration theme)
    --I Loves You Putin
    --Kim Jong il Wind
    --Ain't Misappropriatin'
    --Stars Fell Upon Obama
    --Impeachable You
    --(Senate) Confirmation
    --Goodbye Porkbarrel Hat
    --I Could Write A Bill
    --I Remember Clark Clifford
    --My Little Vote
    --Mr. P.C.
    --And a couple of Nigerian jazz standards: Nancy With the Hyena Face
    Tse Tse Bon
    (from the album As Victoria Falls, So Falls Victoria Falls).

    The band will also be performing special tunes for the President's cabinet members, such as:
    Secretary of Defense: Dear Old Stockpile
    Secretary of the Treasury: Mounting Greenery, When I Fall In Debt
    FBI Director: I've Got You Under Surveillance
    Budget Director: Just Squeeze Me
    Secretary of State (Hillary Clinton): Wedding Bill Blues
    EPA Director: How Deep Is the Ozone

    As you can see this will be a wonderful occasion. There is only one obstacle to my appearance at the ceremony. I will need to quickly raise $132,050 for my airfare. I am sorry to have to ask you for this money but I have been a victim of the recent worldwide financial plunge, particularly the collapse of the market for sub-saharan mortgages. I have also been foolishly generous with my contributions to Nigeria's "No Primate Left Behind" educational program.
    But do not fear, your contributions will be rewarded by the Obama White House with benefits for the following contribution levels:

    $20,000-- You will be appointed Neuro-surgeon General.
    $15,000--You will be appointed Gastro-enterologist General.
    $10,000-- You will be appointed Coroner General.
    $9,000-- You will be appointed Surgeon Corporal.
    $8,000-- You will get to name the first family's next dog (names limited to former black US presidents and Motown singers).
    $1,000-- You will receive a presidential pardon for all video store late fees.
    $500-- You will have someone from NASA replace your amplifier tubes.
    $200-- You will have a brick with your name on it placed in a White House toilet tank.
    $100--You will have a US aircraft carrier deck skid mark named after you.
    $50-- One of the gibbons at the National Zoo will wear a trucker's hat with your name on it.
    $20-- Receive a set of Crayolas with all of the federal terrorist alert colors.

    Finally, all donors will receive a transcript of the actual secret service agents' sleeve-cuff microphone conversations from the Obama inauguration (Samples: "Give me more of the president in the monitor"..."roll off some of the high end"..."are we on overtime yet?"..."Quick! Get me a satellite-cam view. I think the First Fly is open").

    It is with the deepest sincerity that I express in advance my appreciation for your great kindness and credulity. Your erstwhile Nigerian friend, Ndugood.

  2. #2
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2009

    I don't quite understand it, but I dig it

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2009


    Maybe you need to see the original post to understand it all.

    Dear Friends, my name is Ndugood. I am a wealthy Nigerian prince who loves the jazz of music. I am seeking your help to move $200,000,000 from my checking account here in Nigeria to the United States.
    I too love the jazz of music and am planning to flee to America to open many jazz clubs at which I would like you to perform. You will receive $42,000 a night, plus a meal. My new "Tribal Village Vanguard" clubs will be of great success and you will become rich like the rest of American jazz musicians. I have already applied for building code exemptions to allow thatched stages and the spearing of live animals.
    But I desperately need your help. My tribe, the Swindlisi, a peaceful jazz-loving people, has been horribly oppressed by the ruling military junta, which despises the jazz of music. My father, an exiled king and booking agent, was recently imprisoned under the draconian "three gigs you're out" law. And now I must flee my beloved country with all of my improbable wealth. But I need help in moving it. I have so much money that it will not fit in the allotted two checked bags and one carry-on. I am therefor want to transer the money through your ATM system. (The Nigerian ATM system cannot exchange international currencies; it only converts "antelope to money").
    So please to just provide me with your full name and address, social security number, bank account and PIN numbers. And you will become incredibly (literally) rich from playing many jazz gigs. (Note: normal Nigerian Musician's Union rules apply: three hour performances, two 15 minute breaks allowed, musicians to provide their own mosquito nets, one open fire per bandstand, one free meal plus anything you kill).
    Act now. The first ten musicians to respond will receive a free copy of the Nigeria's Greatest Jazz Hits CD, by our beloved 'Disoriented' Gillespie Band, which contains the hits:
    The Night Has A Thousand Flies
    Goodbye Shrunken Head
    Here's That Rainy Season
    Just Tribesmen (Lovers No More)
    Take the 'A' Trail
    When I Fall In Quicksand
    Half-Nelson Mandella
    Blue Monkey
    Leopard Skins and Moonbeams
    Blue Mombossa
    Almost Like Being In Lagos
    Sunny Side of the Goatpath
    I Didn't Know What Century It Was

    Thank you for your many help. Your inordinately wealthy Nigerian brother, Prince Ndugood.

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