View Full Version : What the hell is wrong with me. Why can't I enjoy playing music for people?

12-23-2006, 11:30 PM
Music is my life, my passion, it has been the thing that has truly saved my existance many times.

I won't go into detail, but my childhood was far from the normal childhood. Both my parents were addicted to meth; I suffered through every kind of abuse imaginable. I have had many other struggles that have nearly made me crumble over the years, far beyond the ordinary struggles of everyday life, but I'll stop there before I risk becoming too emo.

I write music with my soul, all the painful memories and emotion I have come out in my music, but no matter how hard I try, I can not connect with my audience. All I feel is, these people havn't been through what I've been through, hell, I even see people who bullied me in high school, who were mean to me when I had no friends.

I keep asking myself, why am I doing this? These people don't know me, they don't know what clinical depression feels like(I'm not clinically depressed anymore).

I have the same problem even connecting to my bandmates. Because I know that they grew up in pretty average homes, how am I supposed to connect on an emotional level to these people?

I'm in no way better than anyone, I know this. Hell, I'd trade in just about anything to feel normal, to regain my innocence that was taken from me.

Has anyone else had this struggle as a musician. I find myself working more and more on my acoustic work, just for myself, than performing on stage, and I feel that this might be the only way I will truly ever be happy with my music.

12-24-2006, 12:21 AM
You should do whatever makes you happy in life.F*ck people.I'm all about freedom and independence and not all of this sh*t society puts on people nowadays.I'd rather see a happy individual than someone who is overly concerned about how many people they can impress or kiss a55 too.Down with groupthink. :mad:

12-24-2006, 09:01 AM
Personally, I think I've come to a place where I'm perfectly happy with self improvement being my only motivational factor to keep doing what I'm doing. I've actually started toying with the idea of getting a somewhat serious day job just so I can do only the music I feel like doing when I feel like doing it...something I never thought I would consider once I started down this path. I know what I want to play and if that isn't going to make a living for me then so be it.

Just do what will make you feel happy and don't underestimate people's ability to pick up on sincerity. They may not completely understand what you are talking about, but that doesn't mean they can't feel the truth that it comes from.

12-24-2006, 07:15 PM
Do what your heart says.

Many people have been discovered to be geniuses after their deaths, Van Gough's paintings and Da Vinci's ideas were ridiculed in their day, but now they are considered groundbreaking.

Keep on trying and you'll get what you deserve.

12-24-2006, 07:20 PM
People love our music, and maybe that is what is hurting me so bad. I play music as a way to ease some of the pain I'm feeling at the time I'm writing it, but the only people who are listening to it are people caught up in a hardcore trend who know nothing of how I feel or have felt. They can't connect to me, and I can't connect to them.

12-24-2006, 08:51 PM
I don't think people need to completely understand the music and where the composer is comming from in order to connect with him or her. I pretty much only listen to instrumental music. Do I have any idea where the composer is comming from and what the song is really suppose to mean? No, not at all, but that doesn't stop it from having such a strong connection that it occasionally moves me to tears. In a way it may be easier to connect with instrumental music because both composer and listener know it's completely open to interpretation, but any music can be like that. It isn't necessary for the listener to have gone through what you have in order for them to have a connection with you and you to have a connection with them. You are showing them a side of life that they may never have seen, just like they can show you a side of life you have never seen. They like your music because they are genuinely interested in hearing about things they will never experience. If we only thought about our own experiences all day long, life would be pretty boring. We read books, watch movies and listen to music not just to escape our own reality, but to further our knowledge of life as a whole. We can't rely simply on our own experiences in order to make it through life. We need others to guide us. You guide the audience and the audience guides you.

Dushan S
03-03-2007, 03:03 PM
People love our music, and maybe that is what is hurting me so bad. I play music as a way to ease some of the pain I'm feeling at the time I'm writing it, but the only people who are listening to it are people caught up in a hardcore trend who know nothing of how I feel or have felt. They can't connect to me, and I can't connect to them.Question is, do they have to understand you? And do you really think that people understand each other good enough? We can use power of empathy to a certain degree as a musicians, but there is a fact that every personality is different. So first thing that crossed my mind reading your post is that you kind of make fence between yourself and other people that is based on false assumption that you are different than THEM. They are also different between themselves, and beleive it or not on your gig there are some people standing in the corner, thinking that they are so different because of their experiences and other people cannot understand them.
Instead of this (even if it is hard for some) try to look at your bad experiences as a kind of blessing. At least that works for me. Terrible experiences usualy give another, deeper dimension to person (if he-she manages to struggle with problem and come out on the other side of dark tunnel) So you have a deeper understanding of human soul than some I guess, but it is not something to be used as a shield or selfish medal, or cross you bear with you. Instead try to think about other people and what you can do for them. Can you help them? Can you touch them emotionaly? Can you make them think? Can you change them even? Can you make them more aware of their problems and about experiences some other people are coming through?

I can simpathyze with using music as a sort of "exorcism" for your own demons, I have done that often, and why not... But again just let go of false assumption about "other people". They are individuals just like you, some of them also have terrible experiences, they have also felt pain and misery, as well as happiness, they may also feel lonely and as no one understands them for real. When feeling bad and far from other people, being unselfish to others often helps a lot, doing something as a gift to others.